Well since The Paisano won’t man up and print this article, I suppose I’ll just have to use it an excuse to finally post something on this blog for the first time in six months.
The challenge: Write a 700 word article detailing the shortcomings of the more than one thousand pages of the delightful legislation affectionately referred to as Obamacare. That means I have to play the bad guy and ignore all of the good things in this bill that also appear in Republican bills, which are roundly ignored. I also have to limit the development of my arguments so that it will be concise enough for print. I decided to have a little fun and come up with a piece about what I will do when I become President.
When I become President, every family will be required to purchase a puppy. That’s right, a puppy. Many studies conclude that puppies contribute to happiness and aid in diminishing stress. The resulting health improvements cannot be denied. Therefore it’s a logical conclusion that we, the omnipotent federal government, mandate that you, the ignorant peasant, spend your hard earned money in a manner that we, the good stewards of your tax dollars, deem appropriate.
If you don’t purchase the aforementioned puppy we will assess a penalty via the IRS that is not a tax but will be identified as such by the judicial system. Of course labeling it a tax doesn’t really mean it is one. We, the eternally benevolent federal government, have no legitimate means of coercing you to engage in commerce so we’re just going to pretend our nontax tax is a nonissue; but it’s the only power we can exploit to persuade you to purchase puppies.
You are going to have purchase a puppy for each of your family members. Don’t worry; your parents can still sponsor your puppy until you’re 26 years old. Each of these puppies is going to have to be registered annually with the IRS to ensure continuing compliance. Yes, the registration process will be arduous and the penalties real, but don’t let compliance affect your puppy selection. The additional compliance efforts will provide jobs for compliance experts so you’ll be contributing to the expansion of the workforce. The IRS is going to be upgrading and hiring new agents so you’ll be contributing to them as well. Look at all of the job creation!
We’re also going to make sure that the tax benefits of puppy ownership stop at the company level to discourage private citizens from seeking their own puppies. We’d much rather corporations and federal institutions make puppy decisions for you because we feel that they’re much more capable than you are of actively pursuing the appropriate puppy.
If you already own a puppy you’ll be able to keep that puppy! While the privately purchased puppies will have to be purchased from within your own state, we’ll be able to provide you a government puppy from our own coffers staffed by our employees with all of the comforts, efficiency, and quality service you’ve grown accustomed to us providing. The government puppy option will meet the specific criteria set forth by your state. We’re going to ignore the fact that keeping up with each of the 50 states differing criteria is going to be a nightmare of epic proportions. In an effort to combat this, we will provide you with a generic puppy that meets all of the criteria in every state. If you do happen to lose your current puppy, you won’t be able to replace it with an identical one. You’ll have to pony up and get a puppy that meets or exceeds all of the new standards set forth by us, the perpetually correct federal government.
In an effort to keep your puppy happy and healthy, you will be required to take good care of your puppy. We are going to have a board of unelected experts handy to advise you as to the proper care of the puppy.
I hope you enjoy your new puppy. It may not be the puppy that you want. Hell, you may not want a puppy at all. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have one. I should know. I’m the President of the United States of America.
Now let’s talk about why this Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act is a bad idea.